


i just want to be me

by speckledfeathers



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Coming Out, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, M/M, Non-binary Richie Tozier, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Trans Eddie Kaspbrak, here's some more love for he/they richie tozier, reddie are in their early to mid twenties, they mention sex one (1) single time and that's it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:03:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28929966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speckledfeathers/pseuds/speckledfeathers
Summary: Eddie just had his top surgery, and while he's napping on the drive home Richie tells him something important.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 11
Kudos: 111





	i just want to be me

**Author's Note:**

> there's been a lot of love for non-binary he/they richie on twitter lately, and i wanted to pair him up with trans eddie because i love them both so so much
> 
> for my wonderful friend, bryce. love you darling <3

“Hey, Eds. The chat is asking how you’re doing— do you want me to answer for you?” Richie turned around, phone in hand, to look at Eddie where he was sitting in one of the cheap lobby chairs. To his surprise, Eddie already had his phone out and was typing something. Richie watched as he smiled, pressed send, and then took a slow breath with a hand lightly pressed flat to his chest. Richie could tell he was trying to stop himself from laughing.

The phone in Richie’s hand vibrated as Eddie’s text came in:

_i lived bitches_

“Oh my god. You’re hilarious.” Richie let out a snort and then slid their phone back into their pocket with an eye roll. “Alright, let’s get you home. You ready?”

The only thing Richie got as any sort of response was a sleepy groan. Eddie’s eyes were still open but his normal hyper-focused intensity had been replaced with drowsiness, and Richie watched as he let his head fall slowly back against the wall behind him.

In his pocket, Richie felt the notifications start to pour in as the Losers replied to Eddie’s delightful text. “C’mon, sleepyhead. Up.” He held out a hand for his boyfriend to take if he wanted, and waited patiently. 

Eddie’s eyes flicked down to Richie’s hand, and after a short pause he carefully lifted an arm to grab it. “You sure we got everything?” Their hands locked together and Richie gently guided Eddie to his feet, making sure to keep him steady. “I feel like we’re forgetting something. Maybe I should go talk to—”

“Nooo no no. Eds, no.” Richie stopped him before he could begin to spiral. “We talked to the doctor already— twice. And the nurse. And we talked to this nice lady typing away at the computer.” They motioned to the woman, who didn’t notice, and then they continued. “I have the prescription for your pain meds, and I have all the aftercare info sheets you wanted them to print out for you, even the extra copies. Everything is all set, and if anything seems off when we get home they said we can call. Okay? We’ll be back next week for your checkup.”

As they were speaking, Eddie’s grip on their hand had only gotten tighter. Richie could see him listening, could see the little gears in his head turning around as he processed everything he had just heard. And Richie was patient. This was a big deal, and Eddie was doing well despite all of his anxieties. If he needed a bit of extra reassurance right now, Richie would be happy to provide it.

Finally, Eddie nodded and released the tension from his shoulders. “Okay. Let’s go. I’m good, I promise.”

Richie smiled, gave Eddie’s hand a squeeze, and then kissed him on the cheek before leading them out. He was shaking just a bit, doing his best to keep it together for Eddie since hospitals weren’t exactly his favorite place in the world. The two of them had talked about this day for so long that Richie was almost in awe that it had finally arrived— he had paced around their apartment all day while texting his friends during random bursts of anxiety. It had taken him twenty minutes to leave the hospital parking lot after dropping Eddie off in the morning, and then he had talked to Bev on the phone the entire way home.

Sure, sure— Richie had known that Eddie would be fine. But it wasn’t until he kissed him goodbye and walked back to his car that he felt he finally understood his boyfriend’s constant paranoia.

But now, all was right with the world. Eddie’s top surgery had gone perfectly, and now he was sitting in the passenger seat of Richie’s car right where he belonged. During the drive to the pharmacy, Richie couldn’t help but steal glances at him— Eddie caught them looking a few times and smiled. Both pairs of cheeks flushed when that happened, almost like they hadn’t been living together for the past year and that all of this was new and warm and exciting. Maybe it would always be like that for the two of them. Neither of them would complain about it, either.

Their stop at the pharmacy didn’t take long, with Richie running on adrenaline and a small amount of separation anxiety while Eddie stayed safe and resting in the car. Richie gave his hair a ruffle and kissed his cheek after he got back, then carefully dropped the meds in Eddie’s lap. “They had everything ready for me when I got there! Do you want to look them over, make sure it all looks good?” He was more anxious to get home than Eddie was at this point, but he still made sure that Eddie had control over his healing process.

Eddie blinked a few times and then adjusted how his arms were resting, making sure they weren’t getting in the way of his drains as he glanced at the bottle he was now turning around in his hands. “Looks good to me.”

“Good. Okay.” Richie started the car. _“Now_ we can go home.”

Comfortable silence filled the space until they were about halfway home.

Ever since they were kids, Eddie and Richie could read each other so well that they could detect the smallest change in the room and know something was up— but they had also learned that comfortable silence was a blessing. They both had busy minds, always racing with rambling thoughts. Richie was notorious for letting all the chaos slip out whether he wanted it to or not— Eddie on the other hand kept it together until it came out of strong bursts of emotion. There was always some give and take with them, but they found balance within the intensity. 

“Rich?” Eddie’s voice was soft and quiet, and Richie’s heart practically melted.

They came to a stop at a red light and then Richie replied. “Yeah, Eds? You okay?”

“Mhmm.” Eddie nodded, and Richie noticed that his eyes were closed. “Just tired. Would you do me a favor?”

“Anything for you, darling.”

“Can you just.. talk? About anything. I like your voice.”

The small compliment sent happy sparks along Richie’s skin and he blushed, his mouth twisting around as he tried not to smile like a giddy teenager. “Who knew that you would get so flirty after surgery.”

Eddie grumbled. “Don’t push your luck, asswipe. You know I like listening to you when I’m falling asleep.”

“Mhmm.” Their reply was sarcastic and teasing, but Richie quickly dropped the attitude and then nodded. “Rest up, baby. I’ll wake you up when we get back to the apartment.”

Richie struggled to find things to talk about for a bit— mostly because his entire brain was filled with thoughts of Eddie. That’s what today was, after all. It was Eddie’s day. He had worked so hard to get here and had waited so long, and Richie couldn’t be more proud of him or more happy for him even if he tried. Luckily, Eddie already knew that Richie was not-so-secretly a gigantic sap, so even if he felt a slight twinge of embarrassment, Richie let little thoughts and words of endearment flow from his brain with no hesitation.

He rambled on for a few sentences about how beautiful Eddie’s eyes were, and he earned a very light smack to the arm when the words ‘little smooth pools of chocolate’ entered the conversation. Richie chuckled, and then moved on.

“Well, enough about you. Maybe we should talk about me for a bit. I’m feeling a bit neglected over here.” Crap. Was he doing that thing again? Considering that his heart rate jumped up a bit and he was taking the time to adjust his glasses— yeah. He was doing the thing again. Eddie was trying to get him out of the habit of joking about himself when he was feeling self conscious, but Eddie wasn’t awake enough to notice at the moment. 

“It’s still a little bit about you, I guess. Uh— well, this is gonna sound real sappy Eds, but one of my favorite memories of us, of anything really, is when you told me you wanted me to start calling you Eddie. We barely knew each other at that point, we had just met a few weeks ago. But you trusted me. You-you gave me a little piece of yourself and I’ve been holding on to it ever since.” Richie’s voice was starting to shake a bit, but he kept going.

“Anyway, the point is.. you’ve always been brave. And I’ve always admired that about you. Always. You’re just— incredible. The way you’ve always been so unapologetically yourself. It’s fucking amazing. And I just— well, I’ve been doing some thinking of my own lately? Turns out life isn’t as simple as we want it to be, but I think that’s a good thing.” He reminds himself to breathe. “It’s a good thing.” That last part was to reassure himself before the big finale.

“I know we aren’t 13 anymore and this probably seems way out of left field, but with your surgery today.. it’s like there’s these little puzzle pieces snapping into place in my head and it makes me feel happy and it makes me feel out of my mind. The point is— they/them pronouns sound real sexy and I definitely think I’m non-binary.” Richie ran through the last sentence like they were a tired marathoner out of breath and struggling to cross the finish line, but they managed it. They fucking said it, and they were only slightly terrified.

Silence once again filled the car but this time Richie felt the weight of it, and after a few seconds they realized how tightly they were gripping the steering wheel. He looked down at his almost white knuckles and loosened his grip, trying to calm himself down.

Because seriously.. why the fuck did he just blurt all of that out?

Eddie was asleep, so it was all for nothing anyway. 

Richie groaned as the embarrassment leached into his system, and he realized he would have to do this all over again sometime. The only thing that got him to calm down was thinking about his little speech like a practice run for later.

Yeah. They would have to recharge for a few years to build up the courage again, but that’s fine.

Once they arrived back at their apartment, Richie did exactly as they promised and gently woke Eddie up. He protested lightly (which Richie expected— Eddie’s never been a morning person) and refused to get up for a solid minute.

The romantic heart beating loudly in Richie’s chest made him offer to carry Eddie up the stairs.

The angry sleep-chasing demon trying to crawl out of Eddie refused and then stubbornly got his legs working again so he could follow Richie inside.

He didn’t want to brag, but Richie was being the perfect boyfriend. Fortunately he didn’t have to say a word about it, because once Eddie broke out of his angry sleep-fog he was telling Richie every few minutes how grateful he was to have him, and how he wanted Richie to be done running around the house so they could cuddle. It was nice. Richie liked to feel needed, to feel important, to feel like he meant something to someone. Eddie was good at reminding him.

“Is this alright Spaghetti Man?” Once Richie was finished, they were finally ready to settle down with Eddie on the bed. “We’ve got your meds and a glass of water by the bed. Do you need anything else?”

There was a small mountain of fluffy pillows propping Eddie up against the headboard and a few blankets layered over his legs. Music softly played from his phone speaker and he was dozing off as Richie entered the room. He turned to them with a warm smile, eyes flickering open. “Oh I can think of something you could give me.” His eyebrows perked up in a way that Richie recognized well.

“Do I need to remind you of the rules? You? Eddie Kaspbrak?” As Richie gently sat himself down on the edge of the bed, careful not to make too much movement so Eddie could stay still, he shook his head and smiled. “No sex for 3 weeks.”

Eddie knew the rules. He had read the information sheets at least a dozen times before they even left the hospital. But still, he let out an annoyed whine of protest.

“My god, Eds. You know I’m gonna miss it too, right? We make sacrifices for the people we love.” Richie chuckled. “You are such a baby.”

“Okay, rude.”

“Rude? No, babe. Just honest.” There were a few seconds of awkward scooting across the bed and then Richie managed to take his rightful place next to Eddie. He hummed quietly along to the song playing from Eddie’s phone and watched his boyfriend’s chest rise and fall with each breath. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Tired. Waiting for the meds to kick in.” Their shoulders brushed together as Eddie shifted positions, wincing a bit but then relaxing and letting out a drawn out sigh. He reached for Richie’s hand and Richie gave it to him freely. Their fingers intertwined immediately and they both smiled. “Thank you for taking such good care of me.”

“Eds. You don’t have to thank me. I love you, of course I’m gonna be here for you.”

“I know, I know. I love you too.” Eddie moved his head so it was leaning against Richie’s shoulder. “I just— I know I’m not the best person to take care of. So. I just need you to know that I’m grateful you’re willing to put up with me.”

Tears pricked at the corner of Richie’s eyes. He was such a sap. “A little bit of complaining and some extra copies of instructions isn’t gonna scare me away, Eddie. And I’m-I’m proud of you. I’m happy to be here for you during all of this.”

Eddie bent his elbow so that their clasped hands reached his face, and then he kissed Richie’s knuckles. They took a beat to let that conversation settle before Eddie spoke up again.

“Can I ask you something?”

_Hm._ Richie’s nerves went a little on edge, but he simply adjusted his grip on Eddie’s hand and nodded. “Of course.”

“Earlier today, in the car, you said something about sexy pronouns.” Eddie sounded tentative, or maybe it was just because he was tired. Richie couldn’t tell. “Was.. was that about you? The sexy pronouns?”

“Wow you really fixated on the sexy part of it, didn’t you?” Richie’s throat was suddenly very dry, and it felt like their heart had collapsed into their stomach. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust Eddie— because they did. But this wasn’t what they expected to be talking about tonight, and suddenly they were feeling as exposed as a pried open clam. Every soft and vulnerable part of him was just _out there_ to be poked and prodded and he was dying to close back up and hide away.

Eddie scoffed. “I was only half conscious, give me a break. And listen, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay. I just wanted to ask. It sounded important.”

“It—” There was a lie on the tip of Richie’s tongue, one that was at the ready to tell Eddie that it wasn’t a big deal. But it _was_ a big deal. It was a big deal and Richie did want to talk about it, even if it made him feel like he was burning up underneath his skin with fear. “It was about me, yeah.”

There was a pause. It lasted maybe two seconds, but Richie felt like he was going to implode.

“So do you want to use they/them pronouns only? Or do you just want to add them to the list?”

Holy shit. Eddie was being so.. easy. Talking to Eddie was easy, and Richie felt so close to crying. “Uhm, I think I want to add them to the list. Like, I don’t need those to be the only ones. Does that make sense?”

Eddie shifted so he could look at Richie, right in the eyes. And it was that soft, knowing gaze that Eddie was so good at that made Richie start crying for real.

“Richie. Of course it makes sense.” His brows softly furrowed together in concern. “Are you okay? Was this too much? I’m sorry if I brought it up when you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“No, Eds it’s okay.” Richie choked out, using their free hand to wipe the tears from their eyes. Then they sniffled. “I really wanted to tell you. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I guess I used you being asleep as an excuse to say it when I should have just.. I don’t know. But I was scared.”

“This stuff can be scary, Rich. I know. You don’t have to feel bad about being scared.” Eddie smiled, his face so full of love that Richie found it hard to not melt into a puddle next to the bed. “But I am so glad you told me. I’m really proud of you, and I love you so much.”

Richie gasped, something between a laugh and a sigh of relief. He wanted to say thank you and he wanted to squeeze Eddie so tight that their bodies melded together, but he settled for leaning their foreheads together as Eddie gently trailed his thumb across Richie’s skin.

Eddie spoke up again. “Can I tell you one last thing?”

Richie nodded.

“I think you’re brave, too.”

“Shit. C’mon Eddie, I just stopped crying.” They protested as more tears spilled from their eyes. But it was all happiness and relief and love— and they could feel the weight wash off of them with every passing second. 

“Seriously, I can’t wait to gush about you. You know, shit like _‘I love my boyfriend Richie, they’re a huge fuckin dork and make shitty jokes but I love them anyway.’_ That kind of stuff.”

That was the last straw. Richie untangled their hands so he had both of them free to cup Eddie’s face as he planted five kisses, trailing along Eddie’s jaw until their lips met and stayed there. If Richie had a ring, he would have proposed right then and there. But they had discussed it before and Eddie would strangle him if he messed up any future plans.

Once they parted, Richie was beaming and Eddie was doing his best to not laugh. 

“Thank you.” It was practically a whisper, but the insane amount of emotions coursing through his system somehow all made themselves known with those two words muttered against Eddie’s lips.

Eddie kissed him again. And then they settled down for a nap, humming to the music and chatting until Eddie dozed off.


End file.
